As many of you already know, the last eight months or more I have had many health issues. The Lord has been very faithful to teach me many things through this trial. I would like to share a few things He has done and is doing in my life, but I must give some background first.....

    Going back many years ago, I have struggled at times with anxiety and fear. After becoming a born-again believer in 1992, the devil began using it as a temptation in my life. On one occasion in 1993, I actually had a full-blown panic attack, becoming paralyzed by fear. But the Lord in His great power and mercy completely delivered me and soon healed me of these attacks. Occasionally, over the years the enemy would try to sneak in and tempt me with fear and anxiety. I have seen this is a stronghold in my family, going back five generations that I know of. I have prayed for years for this stronghold to be bound and broken and the Lord is doing that in my life. I am still praying that the rest of my family would be free as well.
    I have grown to notice that the enemy comes against me when I am going to proclaim truth or my life is showing evidence of my trust in Jesus. I have also learned that the enemy will come in if there is an open door in me, through sin or unbelief.
    Over the years, Drew and I have been trying to surrender all to the Lord, which means we want to trust Him with every aspect of our lives. We were even convicted to allow Him to plan our family size. We have allowed the Lord to bless us with how ever many children he would like to "reward" us with. (see Psalm 127:3)
    Since then, the enemy began using my pregnancies to tempt me with fear. He does not want parents having lots of children, raised in the ways of the Lord. He certainly does not want an “army for the Lord.’’
    This last year during my pregnancy with Micah, the devil began trying to tempt me again to be  fearful of the birth. I began to pray early on in my pregnancy that I would have total victory over this in my life and be able to completely and totally trust God in the birth of Micah, no matter what happened. The Lord began giving me great incredible peace. So much so, that I wasn’t anxious at all. My labor and birth were wonderfully peaceful. (Phil.4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.)
Like this verse says, I prayed, being thankful and praising Him for His faithful hand upon me.
This peace did not happen without keeping my eyes fixed continually on Jesus Christ. When I took them off, anxiety would begin to creep in. I spent much time in prayer, reading His word and in praising and worshipping Him. The times of worship and music here in our fellowship have been so rich that it encourages and sustains me. No matter how I felt, we never missed a church meeting, a worship time, Bible study or gathering of friends to worship, sing and pray together.
    At one point during this time, the Lord impressed upon me to share a testimony  at church of what he was doing in my heart and proclaim His victory. I did not obey at first, however, I did share with friends what was going on often. Then things began to get worse. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and I was sick and could not eat. There were dark times. There times that I was so near despair. I have never known such a feeling. One night I was on the very edge of complete despair. But he lifted me- through praying and crying out to Him for His mercy and through special music my husband played for me to meditate on. The Lord lifted me up as on eagle’s wings (I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me  firm place to stand. Psalm 40:1,2) From that point on I began to rise up, holding on to His promises. Even though the devil continued to battle at every angle, especially in my mind.
    At one point I remember thinking I was going to die, leaving my husband and ten children without a wife and mother. It began to be reality for me. I actually began to believe the devil’s lies. At the time, we were renting a friend’s home, waiting on our house to be built. I had thoughts like,”you will never even get to live in your new home. You will die before then.” Drew could see the seriousness (not fear any longer) that began to develop in me. I was sober and quiet most of the time and quite sad at times holding my babies and big children often and crying...knowing I would be leaving them soon. I knew I would be in complete joy with the Lord, but I was grieving for my children.
    One evening Drew began drawing things out of me, wanting to know what was going on in my mind? I shared these thoughts of my soon coming death. He asked, “who told you that you were going to die?” Did the Lord tell you this? I told Him that it could be from the Lord, I wasn't sure. Then he said “No, it was not from the Lord.” If it was, he would have given you great peace and joy with this news and you would be at peace.  He told me he had been praying about it too and felt like the Lord impressed on Him that this was testing and purifying and that I would be okay. He told me this was a lie from the enemy. It was fear and confusion and not a word from the Lord. As soon as my husband and the Lord began showing me that I was believing the enemy's lies I realized I was in a battle. I began to put on the full armor of protection from the Lord. (read Eph. 6:10-15)
God began changing me. I began being obedient to His word and taking every thought captive. (We demolish arguments(in our minds) and every pretension that sets itself  up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.- 2 Cor. 10:5)
    In God’s perfect timing, I began a Bible study with two ladies, that I had wanted to start for a couple of years, but could never get the time to do it. It is called Quieting the Noisy Soul by Jim Berg. It was very instrumental in dealing with my thoughts.
    I have learned to listen to the “noise” in my soul. What are my thoughts?What do I spend my time thinking on? What is the noise in my soul? Are they sounds of anxiety? Sounds of fear? sounds of discouragement? sounds of anger? frustration? greed? bitterness? possessions? entertainment? recreation? obsessions?
These noises can be deafening. God’s plan for my soul is way different. His plan is for me is peace and rest. Jesus said, “Let your heart not be troubled.” John 14:27
And “...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever  is lovely, whatever is praiseworthy- think about such things.-Phil.4:8,9”
    What’s the cure for the noise in my soul? I must look to Him for direction, hope and strength, not myself, for these things.
Jesus says, “Come to me, all who are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matt 11:28-29.
Jesus also tells us, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Him.”-John 15;4-5
And Proverbs 3:5-8 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.”
I love the “REVERSED” version of Matt 11:28-30:  Avoid Me, all ye that labor and are heavy-laden, and I will deny you rest. Refuse my yoke of fellowship and abiding, and refuse to learn what I am like in order to become like me, and ye shall find noise in your soul.

During this time of growing, it was a sweet time of peace, even as I was going through the “fire” physically, losing weight and feeling horrible, going to many doctors, hospitals and tests, etc...
I was impressed one Saturday evening to share my testimony of my fear problem the next morning at church. I very nervously said “yes Lord.”
    The next morning was amazing. We first had a wonderful time of singing and worship. Then, instead of sharing a message that morning, our pastor stopped after a song and said I think there is someone here who has something to share and encourage us in. I nearly fainted in my seat, then before I could stand, a man stood and said he was impressed by the Lord to share a testimony of God’s goodness in His life recently. After he sat down, a woman stood and gave testimony of how the Lord was healing her body of asthma. Then, when she sat down a young widow with seven children, gave an amazing testimony of God’s strength and encouragement in her life. This went on for quite a while. I actually thought, maybe I am not supposed to share today. But I prayed and asked God to make it perfectly clear if and what exactly to share.. Then, an older man in the pew across from me stood and said we must not be shy, we must proclaim the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord to everyone. We must share what God is doing in our lives right now before it’s too late. Then he turned and looked right at me and smiled. After he sat, I waited to see if there was anyone else and then felt led to stand and share. I shared how the Lord was giving me great victory and breaking this stronghold of fear in my life- for good.
Well, this must have really made the devil mad, the following day my blood pressure problems rose so high, I ended up having to go to the ER with BP at 200/114 and it would not even come down with medication.

    And that is what my life has been like for the last few months. But, the Lord is doing a great work and I will not stop praising His name and trusting Him.
I had asked Him to do whatever it takes in my life to die to myself and become like Him. I must be crucified with Christ, so I may live. (Gal 2:20)
    “Self” is the loudest noisemaker in our souls. It is our pride that whines, pouts, demands, argues, screams, points fingers, blames, manipulates, indulges, worries, etc...  I must be delivered from self and be like the psalmist said in Psalm 131, “but I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul.” Dying to self means being willing to be humbled. Jesus’ life was not about himself. He says, “learn of me, I am your pattern.” For us, this kind of humility is measured in our growth: Do we have a continual spirit of repentance, a continual spirit of dependence (being teachable), a continual spirit of deference, and a continual spirit of service toward others?
    I must come to Christ daily (or moment by moment) and purpose to be like Him to quiet the the noise in my soul. I must believe Him, I must KNOW him in order to believe Him. The root of my anxiety, fear, anger, despair is my unbelief. Unbelief is the great disorder of the heart. When I think God is not doing enough for me or I need something more than Him, it is unbelief. The Lord is showing me my unbelief and wants to purify me.

Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." I love the story I heard once about this verse....This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this verse implied about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were the hottest so as to burn away all of the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that, "Yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver in the fire, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in the silver."

The scripture in Isaiah has comforted me for years, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched. Nor will the flame burn you.”
And Psalm 66:10 "For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined."
And Zechariah 13:9 "I will bring the one-third through the fire, will refine them as silver is refined, and test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will answer them. I will say, 'This is My people'; and each one will say, 'The Lord is my God.' "

WoW! What great promises! He purifies those he loves.
He is also teaching me about being content in whatever circumstances he has me in. He is in complete control over me, and the entire universe for that matter.
    I was recently blessed by watching a DVD that comes with the Chris Tomlin- See The Morning Tour CD. It is a message about how incredibly big and great our God is. He created this huge universe and He breathed the stars into place.
This star-breathing God, knows me well. He created my very frame and keeps me breathing every moment. He loves me. When I could not figure out what was wrong with my body..He knew! He would not allow me to know what exactly was going on. He knew I would take over and diagnose myself and then have a detailed plan of how I was going to fix it. I would know the vitamins, herbs, foods to eat to heal my body or I would agonize over researching it till I knew. Or, I would find a doctor that could figure it out. He lovingly and mercifully wanted me to submit to Him for everything....every breath.
    I must know Him and I must believe Him. I will not be angry or worried if I know Him well and am content with what He has provided because I have found Him to be more than enough for me.

HE IS ENOUGH FOR ME!

-Seeing that His divine power has granted us EVERYTHING pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His glory and excellence. -2 Peter 1:3



written by Amy Berkemeyer,
daughter of the King of Kings, wife to the most wonderful, serving husband and blessed mother to 10 precious blessings here on earth, two in the arms of Jesus